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My Friend the Covert Narcissist
A codependent’s best friend and worst nightmare
We hear a lot about the overt or grandiose narcissist. They are the famous types that you see in the movies, or read about in horror fiction.
They can also be the romantic partners who gaslight you, or the evil boss who terrorizes you.
But the truth is that anybody can have any type of personality disorder, and it’s not always easy to spot. And even if you do spot the signs, the chances are that you will rationalize the red flags away, wanting to give that person the benefit of the doubt, or perhaps blaming yourself for the miscommunications and misunderstandings.
Perhaps the trickiest person I have ever dealt with was a long term female friend of mine — and I say she was the trickiest because the covert nature of her narcissism mostly kept her under the radar.
Well… okay, there were red flags. I just refused to read them because she played the victim so well. And just as day needs night, codependents like me need a narcissist — we are magnetized to each other.
Covert narcissism is characterised by someone feeling they are better than other people, but outwardly appearing shy, self-deprecating or modest. They will play the victim to garner sympathy, and will react strongly to criticism.
The beginning of our unhealthy dynamic
I’ve only quite recently come to accept that I have been a codependent for most of my life. I began healing years ago, but it is only lately that I’ve truly understood my own label.
I knew I was magnetized to narcissistic people, and assumed it was to do with my nature. I am an adult survivor of child abuse, and definitely carry baggage with me still. Yet for the longest time I didn’t know that this baggage had a particular set of behaviours with their own label.
So I am a codependent… I was a codependent…
I’m healing, anyway. But maybe like an alcoholic I will always need to be on the wagon, and always need to remember my weakness.
