I “Don’t Look Like I Have Autism”

But it’s getting harder to keep my mask on

Photo by Elizaveta Dushechkina via Pexels

I just made a little bit of a faux pas while getting my groceries for the week.

I was using the self-checkout (to avoid human interaction at the regular check out), when a baby next to me let out a scream. I accidentally blurted out “Jesus Christ”, immediately followed by “sorry, I’m sorry”. Cue the burning shame and embarrassment.

Babies scream, that’s life. I don’t want to be an asshole. And I’m not, not really. But I worry that I look like one. Incidents like this one are exactly why.

I used to be able to keep my reactions on the inside and a fake smile on the outside. But with age and fatigue, this masking of my true reactions has become much harder to maintain. Particularly with high-pitched noises.

It’s Sunday today, and thankfully, I have this weekend off. After a long week in an overstimulating workplace, I’m in desperate need of silence and stillness. Not babies and busy supermarkets.

I work in a hospital, which I absolutely love. But I must admit, it’s not the smartest choice of environment for me. There are a lot of alarms, ringing phones and people talking over each other — and that’s on a good day.

Looks can be deceiving